i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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