I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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