Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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