He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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