I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
