I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
