OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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