hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
