The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
