I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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