I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
