Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
