I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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