This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
