I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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