I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want to be your penis for a week.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
