I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
