my mouth tastes like poor choices
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am one with the molecules
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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