Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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