Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
