: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
