I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
