This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
