My hand turned me down
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
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We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
that is very illegal...i love you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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