that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
