I just made out with a guy for $7.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
