mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
