i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
