i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
