I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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