We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
