if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
