so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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