Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
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No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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