So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
