I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
