Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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