Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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