Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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