proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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