sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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