Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
