We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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