how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
