It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
