The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
