There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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