Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
