Welp...herpes.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
