I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
