You really coming over, don't trick.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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